Fighting, in some form or another, is natural for couples. Humans cannot live in such a connected space as coupledom without coming to terms, in one way or another, with the many misaligned components of themselves and their joint world. Just as every person is different, every combination of people is also different and so people naturally need to find their foundational rules with each other in a way that is agreeable to their own particular natures. For some couples, a certain less-than-enthusiastic look or word will be the extent of their fight but the effect will be the same as a big argument. It will send the couple into a self-examination of what was meant, if what was meant was right, and what to do about it. For other more robust couples with robust relationships, fighting can safely be a fairly major event.
A bad fight is anything which does not help to move the relationship and the people involved forward. If one dominates the other, it will eventually be at the expense of the relationship. Everything depends on the intention. If the intention is to hurt, belittle, ignore, reject, or win then good will struggle to come from that. If the intention is to protect one’s own rights, wrestle with some boundaries, and deal with unresolved issues then most things are fine. The argument will be monitored by the internal referencing of love for the other person, respect for one’s own rights and, above all, a desire to make the relationship work which, after all, is why we fight. We want the relationship to honestly work.
The best basis for arguments is an understanding that, We don’t move on this until we both agree. We don’t have to think the same way as each other but we have to come to some agreed upon conclusion that both people think is fair and acceptable. If that can’t be reached then the whole thing is still on the boil, open for resolution, waiting for some other factor to be introduced. That other factor is often the softening of one or both people.
We give our all to our relationships. We give our love, our pain, our joy, our hurt, our fears, and our hopes. We trust the other person with our very life, all that we are. Fighting is a small price to pay for the opportunity to give something as beautiful as a person’s whole being. The really beneficial relationships are the ones where we are deeply connected to the other. Sometimes, they tear us apart and then reform us. They can be painful and scary ventures. One has to have courage. One day, there will be nothing left to fight about.
This article is from Love’s Longing