Existential Crisis

The fruits of serious spiritual devotion have an unmistakable flavour, sometimes, even more so in retrospect. It had been a challenging few years. I was twenty-six and had been progressing through an existential crisis, an involuntary falling apart of life’s meaning. I felt a deep human aloneness and with all my praying I failed to feel the love of God in any way which could help my state of being. Other than the care and protection of my two little children and my spiritual studies, I had no interest in anything. Everything seemed trite to me; meaningless and often painfully intolerable. I had lost faith in everything human to give solace to my soul. It was not intentional. It is just what happened over the space of a few years. I was at the bottom of the valley – all things lost but nothing yet gained.

What else could I do but pray? Only God could rescue me. I did not doubt that God would do so but, first, it seemed that all would be taken away so that new ground would be available for working with. One morning, during the earlier years of this struggle, I was walking along a path at a quiet beach near where we lived. I had my toddler in a stroller and my baby in a tie-on carrier. It was a beautiful suburb in seaside Sydney and all the more beautiful for the glorious day. However, try as I did, none of this had any ability to lift my spirits.

The preceding few days had been particularly difficult. Even the tiny bit of hope I was given after prayer seemed to have disappeared. Tears of grief and despair were my increasingly constant companion, though I knew not what I grieved for. Much later, I realised it was the necessary grieving that accompanies the loosening of the hold that the ego has over our consciousness. It is the inevitable struggle of being born human and, yet, the soul seeks release from the bondage of thought that constantly revolves around the precious one – ourselves. We grow up trying to develop enough of an ego to be able to survive and thrive in the world. That, in itself, is a mighty effort. Even before we have it mastered, the deeper Self starts speaking to us, whispering in our ear that this life is not enough. Then we, almost without noticing, begin the quest of pulling apart the ego that we, so courageously, tried to build.

Having no other option but to go forward, I was walking along the beach boardwalk with my little ones hoping that the natural beauty would, even marginally, rescue me. After a while, I must have forgotten about myself. I was looking out to sea and the grandness of it all caught my attention. I simply forgot, for a moment, to feel so bad. That was the chance. And given the chance, It came rushing in. It was so brief that it was over before I even noticed it. But there it was, nevertheless, unmistakable. It came like an invisible breeze brushing past me, coming from the sea, returning beyond, into the Infinite. It wasn’t a breeze. It was the breath of God. As soon as it went, I called internally, “No, stop! Come back. I have been trying to find you. Stay with me. I need you.” I knew it was the Divine by the lightness it brought. It was a sweet presence, softening the mind. It was a very welcome breath of fresh air. It could not stay, at that time, but it would later return and become a progressively more comfortable friend. The veil was beginning to part.

The Love of Devotion is the result of several decades of spiritual work. It began the day I first opened the metaphysical door and stepped into a world which, although only minimally understood at the time, was strongly desired. Metaphysics is concerned with the ultimate, primary, inner aspects of existence. It does not see life in material terms but sees life in terms of thought and it has a strong emphasis on healing. Everyone’s greatest need is for the healing and wholeness which spiritual awareness brings. However, we are often reluctant to commit to it. As Thomas Hora said, “It’s easy to be enlightened. It’s just not easy to be interested in it.” We, eventually, must come to the realisation that the purpose of our life is to align with our spiritual nature. Try as we do to find other options, there are no viable alternatives which will withstand the inevitable consequences of misplaced loyalties and loves. It is the way for us to find our soul-home. The Love of Devotion is an individual journey, however, the struggles and lessons of one person are, fundamentally, those of all mankind. It is the second book in the series Love and Devotion and is largely set within the framework of Devotional Nonduality and the teachings of Dr David R. Hawkins. 

As students of life, we seek both relief from suffering and growth of happiness. Deeply considering uplifting ideas raises our consciousness from the realm of the material problem into the powerful and harmonious realm of the spiritual. It is what a dedicated spiritual practice is all about. We give up our own ideas, hurts, fears, and grudges and concede to the Greater. We expand and we heal. It becomes apparent that it would be impossible to feel alone as we are intimately connected to a thriving life-force. It is everything, yet, it is nothing. It grows silently and steadily. We are already it and It is already us. We continue to go forward with our spiritual practices and these practices increasingly envelop us in loveliness. We come out the other side as a transparent being; nameless but with the mark of God. 

Love and Devotion is a two-book nonfiction series. The first book, in the series, is The Love of Being Loving. It is about the earlier adult years of my spiritual development. Dr Thomas Hora (Metapsychiatry) and Mary Baker Eddy (Christian Science) were the most significant influences on my spiritual path during my twenties and thirties. The second book is The Love of Devotion. In my forties, I started reading a series of metaphysical books by Dr David R. Hawkins. I realised that they were having a potent impact on my growth and Dr Hawkins became my next spiritual teacher. Dr Hawkins (Devotional Nonduality) and Dr Hora came from very similar spiritual and intellectual terrain. We are drawn to a certain field of truth which resonates with our inner leanings. My interest in understanding thought drew me to teachers who also had a deep interest in human consciousness.

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